‘This guy on Grindr wants me to come over and Netflix and chill with him,’ I told Aoife with a grimace as she padded back with crisps. ‘Do people still say that?’
‘Nooo, don’t go!’ Aoife protested, slumping down beside me. ‘Stay here and Netflix and chill with us… ‘
‘Did I say I was gonna go? I mean, look at him.’
Aoife cocked her head at my phone. ‘Oh, but he’s not bad! In a kind of… Vin Diesel… bald tough guy way.’
I cackled. ‘Vin Diesel! Whatever happened to her… ‘
‘Okay, what are we gonna watch?’ Aoife lunged forward and grabbed the remote.
‘I’m cool with whatever, as long as we actually choose something,’ said Theo from the armchair, rolling a joint. ‘… and don’t sit here scrolling for three hours like last time.’
‘Oooh, the LGBTQ+ Collection,’ said Aoife, over-enunciating each letter. ‘We get a whole collection. Look at that, fellas.’
‘Why’d they stop at the Q?’ mumbled Theo. ‘Guess they’re just like, fuck intersex and ace people… ‘
‘Theo, they’re trying, mm’kay?’ I said with mock sympathy for the streaming people. ‘Sometimes you can’t include everyone.’
‘Actually, you can.’
‘Okay, how about this?’ said Aoife. ‘Hold My Hand, Please: At Paxton Grammar School, Benji and Josh couldn’t be more different — but when they are both forced to join the school’s running club, hidden feelings emerge and a heart-warming, wholesome romance blossoms.‘
‘Pass,’ I said. ‘I’m allergic to things described as wholesome.’
‘Based on the bestselling book series by Susan White, Hold My Hand, Please is an authentic look at young gay men’s coming of age… ‘
‘Babe? Let’s not,’ said Theo, looking up from their joint-rolling to watch the steadily darkening look on my face.
‘Yeah, it does look shite,’ said Aoife.
‘Oh my God, I think I had sex with Vin Diesel’s friend!’
I showed my phone to Aoife and Theo. One of the pictures showed him standing with a ginger, ferrety twink in front of a Mediterranean sea view.
‘That guy?’
‘Yeah! I went home with him once from Superstore. His name is… oh fuck, what’s his name?’
‘Sounds like you had a really meaningful connection,’ said Aoife.
‘Well, his dick was in me; I think that’s always kind of meaningful. Probably won’t see that on Hold My Hand, Please. George! His name is George.’
‘I’m so glad we cleared that up,’ said Aoife. ‘How about this? This looks like something for you, Mal. Look, there’s hot muscly men! Feather Shuttlecocks: Dylan and Trey are two of the most promising stars of the international badminton scene — but when they go from bitter enemies to red-hot lovers, can they keep their love a secret in the masculine high-stakes world of badminton… ‘
Theo and I burst out laughing.
‘Just come out already!’ I howled at the screen. ‘Why are all these films and shows about guys who can’t just come out of the fuckin’ closet! Honeeey!‘
Through her laughter, Aoife continued reading: ‘Based on the bestselling book series by Samantha Kinsey… ‘
‘Oh Samantha Kinsey, what are you doing to us?’
‘Okay, maybe not that,’ said Aoife. ‘Jesus, Mal, I think you burst my eardrum… ‘
‘Sorry. Okay, should I message this guy and tell him I had sex with his friend?’
‘Sure, why not. Okay, what about this? Saplings — Rose is a taciturn gardener in 19th century Devon whose isolation is broken when the young, vivacious researcher Emily comes to stay with her. Soon, romance blooms… ‘
‘Oh, does it now,’ I mumbled.
‘It blooms because she’s a gardener,’ said Theo, standing to crack open a window and light the joint. ‘I get it. I’m smart.’
‘Ugh.’ I stood up to join them.
‘… in this BAFTA award-winning film directed by Terry Straitman, which Mark Kermode described as a ‘sweeping, swooning ode to the senses… ‘
‘No —‘ Theo waved a hand. ‘I’m gonna say no. I’d rather watch something that gets gays wrong than something that gets lesbians wrong.’
‘Oh, well, thanks a lot,’ I said drily and accepted the joint from Theo. ‘Oh!’ I coughed, looking at my phone. ‘Turns out that guy isn’t a friend. It’s his ex boyfriend.’
‘Oh, shit!’ Theo raised an eyebrow. ‘Were they still together when you had sex with him?’
‘I’m gonna ask,’ I said, texting furiously. ‘Were… you… still… together… in May… of this year… That’s crazy though. Why would you still have that picture on your profile?’
‘Okay, how about this?’ said Aoife. ‘South Side. Academy Award-winning drama from 1995... ‘
‘Ooh, nineties! We love the nineties,’ said Theo.
‘At the height of the AIDS crisis, a caring, but homophobic doctor in a Chicago hospital befriends a young man dying of AIDS — and finds his prejudices challenged as he begins to fight for gay rights. Inspired by true events… ‘
‘No, no, thank you,’ said both Theo and I simultaneously, and Aoife agreed.
‘Guys, I don’t think we’re gonna find anything good on here,’ she said with a sad-clown pout. ‘In the L-G-B-T-Q-Plus collection.’
‘Have you tried the heterosexual collection?’ asked Theo.
‘Oh, good idea.’
‘What!’ I squeaked, making both wince. I held up my phone. ‘He blocked me!’
Theo barked out a single laugh, while Aoife made a scandalised face.
‘I guess he was offended you had sex with his… ex-boyfriend who… he’s no longer with?’ she suggested.
‘I’m really sad now!’ I moaned. ‘I was really into him!’
‘No, you weren’t.’
‘No. I wasn’t.’
For a moment, we all fell silent, staring at the streaming menu on the TV.
‘Guys, random thought,’ said Theo then. ‘I’ve got Pink Flamingos on my laptop. I know we’ve all seen it a million times, but… should we just watch that?’
Silence.
‘Yeah, perfect,’ I said as Aoife nodded vehemently and told her partner to go get their laptop, get it right now.
